A Confession

I’m terrified.

There, I said it.  Because it’s true.  How could you want something so badly, and then when you actually get it (or are well on your way to getting it) you become almost paralyzed with fear?

Apologies ahead of time – this will be a bit of stream of consciousness.

As I’ve said, Bobby and I have been wanting to move to New Zealand for a while now.  And after being on the ground here for 4 days I got a job.  And I honestly thought that was going to be the hard part.  But as I was sitting in my recruiter’s office, with this piece of paper in front of me waiting for me to sign, I was just awash with so many conflicting feelings.  But sign it I did.

The rest of my time in Auckland was fairly uneventful, except for the anxiety of everything that was going to have to be taken care of.  On that Saturday, my B&B host Martin invited me for a bike ride on one of the Auckland area bike trails, and I went along.  And I was so glad I did.  It was nice to get out of my own head for a bit.  I got to meet friends of Martin, 2 of whom had immigrated from England.  And the bike ride itself was a reminder of why we want to move here in the first place.

I left Auckland on Monday, and stopped for the night at Lake Taupo.  We had spent a night there in January, and its beauty forced me to return.  And I was not disappointed.  It is one of the most breathtaking vistas I know of.  A beautiful lake with mountains rising in the distant background.  The photo here really does not come close to doing it justice.

The next day, I drove to Wellington, where I still am.  I had booked a room at a B&B in a really funky house high in the hills overlooking Wellington.  What I didn’t know when I booked was just how remote this place is.  How difficult it was to even drive to.  How it’s a tough 30-minute walk to the nearest restaurant.  How the host would be leaving the morning after my arrival and wouldn’t return for 2 days.  How I would feel absolutely lonely and stranded.

When I planned my trip, I had expected to be doing some interviewing here in Wellington as well, but after securing the position in Auckland, that was eliminated from the itinerary.  So I thought I would use my time here to file my work visa application.  I sat down in a café today to start filling out the form.  I soon discovered that, contrary to what I believed, I still had more personal documentation that I need to gather before I can actually file the application.

And on top of everything – I miss Bobby and the kids terribly.  I’ve been managing fairly well.  But my time here in Wellington, the city that HAD been my first choice for a destination, really has sent my emotions into a tail spin.

The oddest thing happened tonight though.  While I’m spending my final evening in Wellington, I did some laundry.  When the dryer finished, I got my stuff out and started folding it to get it ready to pack.  And the oddest feeling of calm came over me.  A feeling that once we’re here, and we establish routines, things will be ok.  Which they will.

A lot of people have congratulated me on fulfilling a dream, expressed jealousy, been in awe of the guts I have.  But I think I’ve got a lot of people fooled into believing I’m a lot braver than I really am.  Because I am scared.  But I do think it will all be ok.